I Lied

I lied. Oh, it's true, I do genuinely hope you have a nice time. I can't bring myself to wish uphappiness on you, no matter how… No, my words were true. But I lied, in my tone. I lied about my ability to handle it. I made it sound like it was no big deal. Something I wasn't looking forward to, but nothing worse than that.

But the truth is, it's killing me inside. It was easier, at first… it was an abstract thing, far far in the future. But, now it's here. Sometime. God. I wish I knew exactly when. God. I've just got to wait and see, because you just won't tell me when, and I won't ask because… it's stupid but I won't ask because I don't think I can. If I tried in person… I might break. If I tried in a text… I might break then, too, just… you probably wouldn't see it. Probably.

And I can't have you see it, god even though a huge part of me wants you to… wants to just expose my belly, show you how weak I am in the face of the realities of our situation. Even though it's presumptuous of me to think it would even bother you at all… I refuse to even consider doing anything at all that would make you enjoy it any less.

Even though I hate it. God. I hate it so fucking much.

I've been trying to be copacetic about it but as the time approaches… the unknown time, a months' worth of time for when it could be…

I'm losing it. I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm on the verge of tears constantly. I can't enjoy the time I've had with my family. I spent the whole time at my brother's staring either into space or at my phone. None of the humans seemed to notice, but the dogs did. lol. Dogs, man. Thank god for dogs.

I don't know… I just… god, I get why I just don't… I just. Fuck. Fuck man I can't even form coherent thoughts anymore.

Maybe that's the trouble with lying. Maybe you think I am far, far stronger than I am. That I don't need it. That I'm ok.

I'm not ok.

I'm very much not ok.